Beirut, Lebanon 20/08/2024

Sunlight through the window, burning my skin, the heat is ascending rapidly, I decided to wake up, even though it was too early, but my thoughts started their daily marathon. My sister was already awake perhaps, she barely slept.

“Will it escalate?” I asked her,

“No don’t worry, it won’t escalate, it shouldn’t at least, I guess for now…” she replied, uncertain.

“What if they bomb the bridges and airport, and we can’t escape, and …?” I panicked.

“Take a deep breath,” she interrupted, “we’ll figure it out like always. We’ve been forced to adapt to worse in this country.”

When my mother walks in we stop our discussion, we don’t want to stress her or raise her blood pressure in the morning.

“Your flight is in a few days how are we feeling?” My mother asked.

I had forgotten I was going to Spain for a semester “Oh yeah right, am good I guess…”

Military airplanes flew over our heads, breaking the sound barrier.

Panic, my sister drops her coffee. I grab my dog, and we run to the corridor, trembling, waiting for the second "bomb-like sound." When it comes, we exhale, shaky but relieved. My mother contacts my brother to check on him, we check the news and try to calm down. I help my sister clean up the mess of the cup that fell, while removing the glass from the floor I curse and cry from anger and fear,

Then I say “How am I going to travel to another country while the situation here is escalating, it’s worsening each day, I will be scared, I will be worried the entire time…”

She tries to reassure me by saying “It will pass, you go to Spain, you enjoy it there and by Christmas you will be back and let’s hope the situation would have gotten better, it will be your first time ever traveling! You should be excited!”

Excited, not really, trembling in fear that there is a possibility that I will come back to no one, no family, yes, every day, every second, and this fear is growing.

A few days later, my flight got cancelled, the situation was intensifying, I had to book another more expensive flight, we had to borrow money from a family friend for that, and well I hate being in debt.

Madrid, Spain, 20/09/2024

I went to Spain, started university in the beginning of September, had allergies the first week then caught a cold on the other, and then bad news…

War extended; the south, the east, “El Bekaa”, Beirut, many other locations, but specifically, Dahyeh, were all being bombed. This city is really near my house, my family heard it all, they couldn’t sleep at night neither survive the day, they had to stay glued to the news in case their location was targeted, thus needing to be evacuated. Each bomb or airplane was heard more than the previous one, the windows, the buildings were shaking, I know, I knew, even if they wouldn’t tell me so they don’t scare me, how worried or scared they were, but I knew.

I got intensely anxious at night, my heart shivered, my stomach hurt, I stayed on video call with my sister, crying, jittering, sweating, the only thought that spiraled in my mind was “my family is going to die and I can’t do anything about it, I have to watch it on my phone; What if I call and no one answers, WHAT DO I DO THEN?”

The enemy claims that they are only bombing specific targeted locations, with underground facilities containing weapons or missiles, but what about the children, the innocent citizens that didn’t have time to evacuate? Or were bombed while evacuating? Or were warned AT 3 AM to evacuate? The weapons used could’ve been of less impact if they only wanted to eliminate their “targets”, nothing is unintentional, everything is calculated, they want to annihilate us, while going to the UN and saying that they are not, while also proudly showing their “Greater Plan” where they showcase their goal, which is to take over Lebanon.

Internationally banned white phosphorous was used few days later, and direct threats to a genocide in Lebanon were made.

Madrid 10/10/2024

Spain is beautiful; I like to sit at the window, overlooking the calm park below. Children are laughing, couples stroll together through sun-dappled parks. It feels so distant from the explosions back home, but guilt devours me; how can I enjoy this peace when my family is anything but safe?

Even though my mother, brother and sister are now residing at my other married brother’s house which is a bit far from the chaos, everything is still clearly heard, but at least, they are “safer” as they tell me. Talking to them on the phone was the only thing that keeps me sane, even for a few minutes, I feel like I am with them.

One time when I was talking with them on the phone, the connection cut off. I tried to call back, but it wasn’t ringing. I started imagining the worst. I called again and again…nothing. Did they hit the power bridges? Did they hit near them? I paced around my room, clutching my phone, unable to breathe. When my sister finally called back, I could barely hear her through the static, “We’re okay, the power cut off...” I was relieved, but the pit in my stomach grew deeper; what if next time I don’t get a call back?

Sleepless nights. The “what ifs” haunted me; what if my family was here, what if they saw how beautiful and worriless life can be, they wouldn’t believe it, they can dream without having their wings cut, save up in the bank without being robbed by the system, they don’t have to worry about the economy, about bombs, about the careless political system… Of course, people here work, however, they are living, in Lebanon it is nearly impossible to live, you are only surviving, it sucks the life out of you slowly, year by year, your dreams get farther away, you are only allowed to think about the next day, you cannot plan beyond that.

My worry consumed me; I skipped university for 3 days, I also forgot about a meeting with classmates I had for a group project, but I realized that too late, professors started reaching out concerning my participation, how can I explain that my mind is still in Beirut? The more I try to focus, the more I feel like I’m failing both here and at home. It’s like I’m living in two worlds, but I don’t truly belong to either.

I will go back to my country in December, and I know I will miss the peace of Spain, the easy lifestyle, the cheap transportation, the kind people, the beautiful cities and parks, the chance I got to live.

I will go back to chaos, to trauma, to constant worry, but I hope I will go back to my family and find everybody alive and well.

What will happen to Lebanon until I go back? How am I going to survive more of this stress and anxiety before I crumble?

Those are fragments of my daily thoughts…

Reine Ayoub

L5